Learning how to ask for help

Asking for help is garbage. It is the literal worst because A. I am an adult and B. I should be able to do things on my own and the fact that I can’t makes me want to scream and sink into the deepest pits of despair.

Because I am an adult and that is what adults do. Duh.

I can analyze and cross-analyse why I feel this way, but I think the easiest and probably most ludicrous way I can explain it is through the game Catan. The point of Catan is to build colonies on a plot of land along with other players who you can trade with and steal from and such in the hopes of winning the game. But when I play I always try to create a self-sufficient colony that doesn’t need outside help. We make do and survive off our own means. And yes: I almost always lose. Because in life, much like in Catan, you need to work with others to achieve your goals.

If I’m being honest this desire to be independent stems from a deep-seated fear that I am not enough. That I’m not smart enough, healthy enough, interesting enough, and not good enough. And by needing help I am proving to myself that I am not able to solve my problems from whatever I have within myself which to me constitutes as a failure.

Now, I am aware this is not true, and I acknowledge that having the privileged to ask for help is indeed a privilege that not everyone has access to and that I should be grateful and thankful to have the connections I do and the opportunities I do. But getting over this feeling of inadequacy takes time and it is incredibly frustrating.

I have always craved the acceptance and affirmation from other people. Especially when I was younger I would find myself looking to others to validate personal things in my life. And then I moved. I moved so far away from home and i was hard and I just started getting so worked up over not knowing how to do everyday things. Like guys, why did I never learn how to work with the CRA or banks in school? Where was the course where you are taught how to adult?! This sudden change made my desire to be capable and successful on my own flourish: a modern day Michelangelo if you will.

The best part about this weird thing I do is that if it’s about someone else I am a champion of seeking and getting the help you need. I am a strong believer in getting the help you need especially with mental health. But I am more patient and loving towards others than I am towards myself, and that is something I am working on. Alas it seems my hamartia is my pride.

Paradigm shifts take time: growing, learning, and healing take time. And getting the help you need is a gift that I am learning to embrace.

With all my love as always,

Lea

Checking In

New posts two weeks in a row? Who am I?! Shockingly that is not a rhetorical question because I really do not have an answer to that. Like, yeah okay, I know I’m Leandra, but that is pretty much it. So how do I resolve this personal crisis? The only way I know how: trying a bunch of new things to see what sticks.

I have a pretty terrible fear of messing up and of not succeeding, and while they are perfectly valid and reasonable fears, they really do limit me and my ability to grow. A friend of mine told me that the only way to get over that was to make as many mistakes as I can, to get my feet wet and try a variety of activities because I won’t know unless I try. So here I am, trying new things. But don’t worry, friendos, I will keep you in the loop about what worked, what didn’t, what I learned etc. You know, wholesome fun for the whole family stuff.

This weekend I tried painting with some watercolours and it wasn’t terrible. I grew up painting, but was never especially great at it so I stopped doing it. But a few months ago a friend of mine got me into doing painting nights with her and it was fun. The same friend gave me my own set of watercolours for my birthday a few weeks ago and I thought “heck it, let’s give it a go” and you know, friends, it wasn’t that bad. I had some records on, the sun was out, I found this experience almost meditative.

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I had really written something off because I didn’t feel that I was good at it and that frustrated me. Not that I’m saying I’m a master at it or even that good now, but I found myself just painting to paint not to please anyone or reach any goal and it was nice. It was nice to do something just to do it. Sometimes you’ve just gotta slow down and paint some flowers, you know?

I can’t wait to fill you all in on my next endeavor, so until then with lots of love I remain you fave purple haired princess perfectly poised at her PC penning this for you, my peeps.

Much love as always,

Lea