New dawn, New day, New post

It’s been awhile since I wrote you last, huh folks? Seems like only 8 months ago that it was January and I was writing to you all stating that I was gonna pick up my keyboard again and let this creative project flourish. And in true Leandra fashion I put it off. This is not a personal judgement, however, it’s simply the truth: I needed time to figure out what I even was passionate about. For years it felt like I was floating out of my body experiencing life second hand. A big part of this was me not being honest to myself and not being myself.  I have been really struggling with what I wanted to write about because what I used to write about, aka fashion, no longer feels like me.

What feels like me is learning how to do things myself, learning how to live cleaner, learning how to fix things while still being the most accident prone human alive. What feels like me is being uncomfortable and trying new things to push myself to be more uncomfortable and empower myself to learn more everyday. What feels like me is seeking a life that is lived lovely

As I approach my three year anniversary living in Vancouver I feel it is now that I come to you refreshed, revitalized, and ready to bring a little joy with every post. To celebrate this renaissance I commissioned my friend Sofia Solis Bautista, @sofiadidit on Instagram, to create me a new logo and I couldn’t be happier with it.  I mean seriously!! It’s gorgeous!!

It’s a new dawn, a new day, and a new intention, friends,  and I’m feeling good.

Much love,

Lea

Learning how to ask for help

Asking for help is garbage. It is the literal worst because A. I am an adult and B. I should be able to do things on my own and the fact that I can’t makes me want to scream and sink into the deepest pits of despair.

Because I am an adult and that is what adults do. Duh.

I can analyze and cross-analyse why I feel this way, but I think the easiest and probably most ludicrous way I can explain it is through the game Catan. The point of Catan is to build colonies on a plot of land along with other players who you can trade with and steal from and such in the hopes of winning the game. But when I play I always try to create a self-sufficient colony that doesn’t need outside help. We make do and survive off our own means. And yes: I almost always lose. Because in life, much like in Catan, you need to work with others to achieve your goals.

If I’m being honest this desire to be independent stems from a deep-seated fear that I am not enough. That I’m not smart enough, healthy enough, interesting enough, and not good enough. And by needing help I am proving to myself that I am not able to solve my problems from whatever I have within myself which to me constitutes as a failure.

Now, I am aware this is not true, and I acknowledge that having the privileged to ask for help is indeed a privilege that not everyone has access to and that I should be grateful and thankful to have the connections I do and the opportunities I do. But getting over this feeling of inadequacy takes time and it is incredibly frustrating.

I have always craved the acceptance and affirmation from other people. Especially when I was younger I would find myself looking to others to validate personal things in my life. And then I moved. I moved so far away from home and i was hard and I just started getting so worked up over not knowing how to do everyday things. Like guys, why did I never learn how to work with the CRA or banks in school? Where was the course where you are taught how to adult?! This sudden change made my desire to be capable and successful on my own flourish: a modern day Michelangelo if you will.

The best part about this weird thing I do is that if it’s about someone else I am a champion of seeking and getting the help you need. I am a strong believer in getting the help you need especially with mental health. But I am more patient and loving towards others than I am towards myself, and that is something I am working on. Alas it seems my hamartia is my pride.

Paradigm shifts take time: growing, learning, and healing take time. And getting the help you need is a gift that I am learning to embrace.

With all my love as always,

Lea

The joys of taking time


I feel like life is a lot right now. As a student who is juggling school, friends, (occasional) work, family, fitness, keeping up with the Kardashians, it can be a lot sometimes. Recently I have really been feeling the pressure. I have just over a month left of my undergrad and everything is due all at the same time, and I’m stressing and rushing and feeling overwhelmed and also incredibly saddened by the fact that I feel like I’m not enjoying this. After this everything will change. Yes, you can always go back to school, but it will never be the same. Although I do feel ready for something new and I look forward to my new chapter as a “real person” with excitement, I do feel a twinge of sadness knowing this part of my life is coming to an end.

Growing up is scary, period.

It is exhilerating, and new, and terrifying, and annoying, and frustrating, and empowering, and humiliating, and demoralizing, but necessary. You have to do it, you have to learn how to pay your bills, how to have a job, how to pay rent, how to be a person. And you’ll figure it out don’t worry, but I often feel that we get so wrapped up in what’s all around us that we forget to live these moments. I am guilty of this. The past few weeks I haven’t really been living my life. I’ve been going through the motions, staying in bed, not doing things for me, feeling sad and not addressing issues I have that I probably should.

Basically I have been denying myself the joy of living every moment of my life.

I have not been present, I have not been enjoying what I’m doing. I started this blog out of passion for writing, photography, and fashion, yet I find myself now feeling it is a burden. I don’t want to be doing something that feels like a burden. You shouldn’t feel that things you choose to be in your life are burdenous, but rather they are avenues of yourself. This is my outlet, it is where I can express myself in a totally unique way than the rest of my life.

I feel like these past few weeks I have really been racing through the end of my four years here at Queen’s and now that I’m almost at the finish line I have stopped running and am now just going through the motions. And I don’t want that. I want to consciously feel everything. I want to really absorb everything this school has to offer me for the last time and really embrace being in this chapter. Yes I am ready for it to be done, but I don’t want to rush the ending.

I guess what I’m saying to you all is that regardless of where you are in your book of life, don’t skim it. Don’t flip through trying to find the “good stuff”. You’re living the good stuff right now, this moment of your life is truly unique if you let it be. Embrace your now, enjoy taking the time to really live your moments, don’t just skip to the end because you’ll realize you’ve missed the plot.

To conclude I would like to acknowledge the words of the great Canadian, Drake with his wise words: “Everybody dies, but not everybody lives”. Take time to enjoy the present.

Love,

Lea