Here we are again, folks! It’s the end of yet another year, and like most years here I am again attempting to relaunch this dang blog. I wish I had a better excuse for you all as to why I have been so absent, but honestly excuses are pointless. Life is a lot: I think that is a statement that most people my age can agree with.
Perhaps that’s ageist.
Life is a lot for all of us – time gets away from us, daylight fades faster and faster this time of year, and all the intentions and desires we had set out in January now seem unattainable and silly. And perhaps they are, perhaps they were, perhaps, perhaps, perhaps! And you know what? Who cares? Desires and intentions are not things that we should layer onto ourselves like weights keeping us buried in anxieties and regrets, rather desires and intentions should be things that excite us and fill our hearts with joy! I never want to start a day with dread already sitting heavy in my heart and I am sure you feel the same way, dear reader. So this year let’s set ourselves kind desires full of self-love and warmth.
This past year was a year of change. I got a new job, twice, I moved, twice, I dyed my hair, twice, and I started taking my battle with self-worth more seriously than I ever have in the past. I started seeing a doctor regularly to help stabilize my mood; I have started branching out creatively trying new things to test my limits. I have also started expressing myself more fully. I am even flexing my logical side of my brain by learning how to code, who is this arts student am I right?!
2018 taught me a lot about myself. It took me by the shoulders, slapped me across the face, and made me take a good, hard look at my health especially surrounding my anxiety and how that bleeds into every aspect of my life. At one point my anxiety reached such extremes that I stopped being able to eat which has left a permanent scar on what I can and cannot eat now. Like most, I suffer from a chronic sadness that seemed to spiral out of control this year. I try not to judge myself for my mental health because ultimately that will get me nowhere. Instead I got help: through my meditation coach and an amazing doctor I have started balancing my brain chemistry and I am finally taking care of my needs after years of pretending they weren’t real or serious enough. Everything in your life is real and serious enough, and if your loved ones say they’re worried about you and your wellbeing that’s a pretty big sign that it’s time to take care of yourself.
I have never really been someone who sits back and lets life take me like a leaf on the breeze, and for a long time I thought that was being I was uptight and neurotic, but that’s such a negative way of looking at yourself you know? My ambition and determination, and my willingness to live life hands on are the essence on my being: it’s my vitality, my will to live, my perseverance.
Life is scary and a lot, this past year taught me that. It taught me that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of trust. Accepting help from others is honestly the only reason I’m still here smiling ready to kick 2019 in the butt with awesomeness. You and me, dear reader, we’ve got this. We’re gonna make it through this stronger than when we went in I can feel it.
My heart goes out to you as I know yours goes out to me. With love I remain yours,