Learning how to ask for help

Asking for help is garbage. It is the literal worst because A. I am an adult and B. I should be able to do things on my own and the fact that I can’t makes me want to scream and sink into the deepest pits of despair.

Because I am an adult and that is what adults do. Duh.

I can analyze and cross-analyse why I feel this way, but I think the easiest and probably most ludicrous way I can explain it is through the game Catan. The point of Catan is to build colonies on a plot of land along with other players who you can trade with and steal from and such in the hopes of winning the game. But when I play I always try to create a self-sufficient colony that doesn’t need outside help. We make do and survive off our own means. And yes: I almost always lose. Because in life, much like in Catan, you need to work with others to achieve your goals.

If I’m being honest this desire to be independent stems from a deep-seated fear that I am not enough. That I’m not smart enough, healthy enough, interesting enough, and not good enough. And by needing help I am proving to myself that I am not able to solve my problems from whatever I have within myself which to me constitutes as a failure.

Now, I am aware this is not true, and I acknowledge that having the privileged to ask for help is indeed a privilege that not everyone has access to and that I should be grateful and thankful to have the connections I do and the opportunities I do. But getting over this feeling of inadequacy takes time and it is incredibly frustrating.

I have always craved the acceptance and affirmation from other people. Especially when I was younger I would find myself looking to others to validate personal things in my life. And then I moved. I moved so far away from home and i was hard and I just started getting so worked up over not knowing how to do everyday things. Like guys, why did I never learn how to work with the CRA or banks in school? Where was the course where you are taught how to adult?! This sudden change made my desire to be capable and successful on my own flourish: a modern day Michelangelo if you will.

The best part about this weird thing I do is that if it’s about someone else I am a champion of seeking and getting the help you need. I am a strong believer in getting the help you need especially with mental health. But I am more patient and loving towards others than I am towards myself, and that is something I am working on. Alas it seems my hamartia is my pride.

Paradigm shifts take time: growing, learning, and healing take time. And getting the help you need is a gift that I am learning to embrace.

With all my love as always,

Lea

Happy Belated Birthday, Sailor Moon

This past Saturday, June 30th, was my girl Sailor Moon’s birthday and to celebrate I wanted to do a little something special and share a couple of the things I found most impactful about the show and franchise. Growing up in the 90s I was exposed to a lot of cartoons (little did I know that this young exposure would become a lifelong passion of mine). Looking back at what I watched most religiously I am often inspired by shows like Cyber Six, Pokemon, Gargoyles, and of course Sailor Moon. These cartoons gave me a glimpse into these other worlds that were often a refuge for me. Looking back at everything I watched I remember Sailor Moon being the show that left the biggest impact. It wasn’t just the catchy theme song or the stunning animation, it was the risks the show took and the characters created that really stuck with me.

Sailor Moon really taught me was that you don’t have to be good at everything to save the world. More plainly put: you don’t have to be the best to be a good person, a quality that is perhaps the most important. Sailor Moon, known as Serena while I was a young girl watching the televised dubs and later as Usagi watching the show in its original context with subtitles, is a character that is both badass and hilarious. Apart from fight evil by moonlight Serena/Usagi is pretty much a classic teen: tired, hungry, lazy, not the best at math. She doesn’t necessarily scream “Hey I am here to save the day look at how great I am”. That’s because her strength of character is so much more important. It isn’t her brains or her brawns that make Sailor Moon so inspiring, it’s her heart. She gives a shit about people and about her planet. She is courageous, kind, and thoughtful towards friends and foes alike.  She taught me that you don’t have to be the best, or the smartest, or the most athletic to save the world: all you needed was kindness and a good heart. But she didn’t work alone and the friends she did work with had qualities that made them dynamic and inspiring all on their own. The fact that all the members of the Sailor Scouts had complimentary skills and qualities lead them to be a successful team of fighters and friends was impactful. Being a team unit instead of individuals crusading to save the world alone fostered my love of team work because to me the best and most successful times in your life are often when you’re supporting and being supported by others.

There’s so much more I could say about my love for this franchise, but I want to keep it short and sweet. Sometimes shows we watch as children do not age well, but I feel as though Sailor Moon really does transcend from then to now. If you haven’t watched it I encourage you to give it a try, the franchise just released a reboot series, Sailor Moon Crystal, a couple years ago and it’s really hecking good.

Here’s to you, Usagi! Thank you for being the realest!

xo

Lea