So I dyed my hair purple.
Which is no surprise for those of you who are my friends and have my on social media, but for those of you who don’t then I guess the proverbial cat is out of the proverbial bag. I guess I wanted to make a little defense for it, and I might as well post it here as it’s been forever since I’ve written anything for my blog (sorry, blog!) and because, like for all things in my life, I feel that I have to justify it (but we can unpack that later).
So why did I dye my hair purple? Honestly because I wanted to. I won’t lie; there may have been a few drinks involved for the first installment of ‘Fun Colours in Leandra’s Hair’, but when I touched it up to the full, deep purple it is now, I was stone cold sober and I knew this is what I wanted.
If I’m being more honest, it was because I feel as though I am in a creative rut. All my life I have prided myself on being artistic and on finding ways to express and channel my creativity: dance, theatre, photography… heck, even making random things with my hands. There have been so many ways I have lost count. But as of late I have found myself restless and angry and incredibly frustrated that I cannot put a name to what I want to create next. I have the essence of it I THINK in my head, but articulating it? That’s a nope. In fact, articulating anything these past few months has been really hard. My mind is mush; I lose my train of thought if could get one together in the first place. My tongue is heavy in my mouth; I stutter and lose words, and all I hear in my ears is static. I haven’t really felt like myself, but even if I did I’m not really sure I would be able to recognize who that is anymore. So I dyed my hair purple to show myself I am creative. I guess maybe that sounds a little stupid or naïve, but I needed a push and having hair that I can’t ignore whenever I catch my reflection is a push towards figuring out who I am, who I want to be, how I want to be, etc. Classic quarter life crisis stuff, which oddly enough leads to ….
My last and possibly MOST honest reason for dying my hair purple: I felt old. Hello, my name is Leandra and I just turned 24 and I feel so incredibly old. NOW BEFORE ANY OF YOU GIVE ME THE “you’re so young, 24 is not that old, why when I was your age,” save it. I know. A part of me knows I am being whack, but another part of me felt like my time to do stupid, impulsive things was running out so I seized the opportunity to do something spontaneous. The last time I had crazy coloured hair I was around 18 or 19 and I loved it, but I did not love my life and a few situations I found myself in, so to escape that I took it out on my hair. It was fuchsia, blue, purple, a little green, orange, baby pink; I think I hit almost every colour at one point or another. Not all of these colours were great (a lot looked horrible) but it was a way of expressing myself and forcing myself to accept my mistakes and to not take myself too seriously. And man, do I take myself too seriously. I am so hard on myself and I expect the best of myself, and recently this has become a bit of a problem. I have always wanted to be the best or the prettiest or the nicest or the anything-est because I have always wanted to have the feeling of ‘I am enough’, but it’s always evaded me, and with this awful sense that my time is running out, I just wanted to feel something. So I dyed my hair purple. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to some of you, maybe it does (at this point I’m not even sure it makes sense to me), and I know I don’t actually need to justify anything so I guess it doesn’t really matter in the end.
I know it doesn’t matter because I am happy with my decision. So yeah, I dyed my hair purple because I wanted to, because it makes me feel creative, and because I’m ready to figure out who I am, and purple spoke to me. Life is too short to justify every decision I make, even though I’m (clearly) still learning to be okay with this.
I hope you’ve enjoyed me rationalizing something that I’ve wanted to do and I hope you all feel better about doing something that you really want to do, WITHIN REASON. At the end of the day if you’re happy, if you’re fulfilled, and if you’re safe, then that’s all that matters.
Much love as always,